Teetering

When I started this blog, it was with the intent of posting at least five times a week. I wanted to share life with a chronic condition on a daily basis. If you're wondering where Xunnie has been because I haven't posted in about a week now, well....
Writers exist on a fine line, I think. I write through heartbreak and turmoil. I write through joy. Tapping out my agony into my writings eases a lot of pain, most of the time, for me. But then there are times when I have teetered into too much agony to write through. And that's where Xunnie has been for the last week.
I have been overwhelmed emotionally, physically, and even spiritually in the last few weeks.
Whatever is wrong with me has progressed again. It's more than a flare. Oxygen issues are abundant again, pain has spiked, and I am nauseated almost all the time. I'm waiting on referrals to pain specialists and neurologists again, and hoping like hell they will be kind to me and that maybe....just maybe, some sort of test can be definitive this time.
I have been hurt by some of the people I love most. Some by them walking away from me. Some by their harsh words. Some have hurt me just through thoughtlessness. I wanted very much to have "my girls". Those close we-can-get-thru-anything relationships that last forever, but I just don't seem to get lucky enough to find friends like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the friends that I do have. 
My relationship with my mother is fragile still, but progressing, and I am very grateful for that. My relationship with my oldest daughter took a hit. I think just because she's at a difficult stage in her life, but I think we'll be okay and I just have to be here and wait for her. That's progressing too, but just fragile right now as well.
Finally, my d.h. has been struggling with his own things and that has been especially hard on me. After 12 years, you learn that sometimes there are bumpy patches and sometimes those bumpy patches last a little while. Not everything is as simple as an afternoon argument. But you wait, and you hope, and you try. Even if sometimes it hurts and it costs you. 
When everything else seems to be going wrong, I find myself wishing occasionally that I could still believe in God. I was once a Christian..... baptized and very active in the church and I remember it brought me a lot of comfort sometimes, but through a series of events that coincided with a crisis of faith, I walked away. I now believe very much in the Buddhist philosophies but there is no "Father" in those, and when I am lonely and hurting, I sometimes wish there were. 
I realize there is really no humor in this post, and it's a little different from most of my writing. But if you wondered where Xunnie has been......well, she's struggling right now and searching for hope. Maybe it's in one of the boxes that hasn't been unpacked in the garage. I'll have to go look....