It's been a hell of a year. People that I thought would be in my life, people I love, have drifted away. I've had several procedures, surgeries, and lots of tests. My "best" friends have vanished, my parents are gone. I feel so alone and I can't figure out what the hell just happened most of the time.
There's a line in the movie "Gia" that keep playing through my head. She says " everybody that I love keeps going away from me....and it hurts". She's this beautiful supermodel that has the whole world at her finger tips, but all she wants is just to have somebody stay with her, love her. I'm never going to be a super model, and I definitely don't have the world at my beck and call, but all I want is to be loved. That's all anybody wants.
The new acceptable attitude is just to "be positive" and be friggin' overjoyed to be alive. I don't do bright and shiny; I never have. But I know what it feels like to find the joy in a moment. It just sneaks up on you and suddenly, you're alive and in that moment with everything you are, and inside of what joy really is. I know how that feels. I have had those moments. Those moments when you are just....happy, really really happy.
I'm not an unhappy person, but I'm just not overly bright and shiny. And I believe that we all can't be happy and positive all the time. It's not good for you. People need to know it's okay to be frustrated or hurt or sad. They need to know that we all have a right to mourn change or loss. They need to be able to be real.
But what I'm seeing lately is that people move away from someone that might be working their way through anger and discovering what's behind it (I believe that anger is never a genuine emotion, it's like a curtain and you always have to investigate what's behind it and deal with *that* emotion....but that's another blog), or mourning a loss or a change in their lives. But all too often we're doing these things behind closed doors.
The society we live in have become all about the social facade. If you're not happy and spreading positivity, well....then people tend to have other things to do. And an awful lot of people are simply wrapped up in their own lives. I'm not seeing people reaching out to each other and caring about what you're going through. What happened to being there with your friends? Going through their rough times with them, and celebrating the good stuff together? We're closing up and moving away and letting go much too easily.
I've played the game of maintaining the social facade and it almost ended my life. I fell apart and went a little crazy for a few months. I thought about jumping off the bridge or swallowing a bottle of pills. Maintaining the social facade was not a good thing. And I swore I would never get wrapped up in trying to be somebody I wasn't ever again. What's that saying? I'd rather be hated for who I am that loved for someone I am not. Yeah.
But how do you say to someone...you hurt me? How do you reach out and say I need you to care about me and my stuff too? How do you reach out to someone in a society that have left us more closed off and closed minded than we all were 10 years ago? How do we reach out when we're all so afraid of being burned or ignored. How do we change the mindset of only being wrapped up in oneself?
I want to be involved with my friends and family. I want to care about what they are going through and have them care about what I'm doing too. But I feel like there has been some sort of explosion and when I looked up, the people that I thought were my people were gone. Poof. Just a whiff of smoke left and their scent and I'm standing here with my head ringing wondering what the hell just happened. Wondering where everybody has to go.
