St. Elmo's Fire

Sometimes I think I have got to be the biggest dork on the planet. I never saw St. Elmo's Fire back in the 80's when it came out and the Brat Pack was the thing, so I put it on my Netflix Instant Play and watched it the other night. The next day I promptly told my bff that I didn't recommend watching it when one has a) just moved 800 miles, b) is feeling like crap anyway, and c) just had their kid turn 18 and move 6,000 miles away. I bawled.
I'm sure you've seen it (and if you haven't I do recommend it, just not under the above circumstances) and it's set in Washington D.C., which is about an hour or so from where I live now. I've been all over the District so I recognized most of the places in the movie. But it must have been the combination of seeing where I have been, and thinking of where I'd want to be, and seeing the characters struggle with their own emotional troubles that sent me off into boohooville. But it also did the most amazing, unexpected thing.
It gave me the will to fight. For the last eight years or so, I have fought with my own body, and occasionally it gets a pretty good shot in and knocks me down. I guess I was starting to give up. I'm tired of being sick and I'm tired of hurting...and there is just too damn much on this planet that I totally don't understand (but that's a whole other blog series). 
But between the movie and the cheesy 80's soundtrack (toldja I'm a dork), I really started thinking. I don't want to die yet. I'm not giving up. There is too much that I still want to do and see. I wanna see my daughter again. I want to beat this and live long enough to see my grandkids. I want to go see England, Ireland, and go see Hawaii again. I want to go to Renn Fests. I want to live dammit.
So, I'm fighting. I want off all these crazy meds and I want my life back. I've had enough. I discovered I can get down a pb & j sandwich and milk and have both last night and today. I'm working to get off meds and get food into me so I can be strong enough to fight again.
That silly 80's movie gave me just the oomph I needed to start working my way back on track. I'm a dork. Oh well.