Prayers & Hope & What the hell do you do....

I got a phone call from my step-dad today. He was calling for a couple of reasons. One was to update me on his condition. He's fighting cancer and it's not looking good. It's in his lung and now in the bone in his arm. I'm scared to death that I'm gonna lose the only guy that's ever stuck around for more than a couple of years. So if you have an extra prayer in you or some positive energy or good karma or whatever you can send up, it would really mean a lot. Right now I'm seeing a trip out to Hawaii to see him before I can't anymore on the horizon.

I haven't been out there in five years. Partly because my mother and I don't talk anymore. I haven't talked to my mother in almost a year and a half. And it's impossible to explain to anybody that hasn't been in my life in close quarters what happened or how my mother and I got to this place. But I guess the easiest way to put it is that I just can't have her hurting me the way that she has anymore.

But trying to explain that she does things that most people can't understand is hard. The general consensus is "that's your MOM", but I argue that the ability to pop out a kid does not immediately make one a better person. You are who you are whether you poop out a kid or not. And sometimes you can rise up to the challenges of raising people, sometimes not. And sometimes you're just really messed up like my mother and need some help.



The point of all this rattling on is that my mother , anything to do with my mother right now, causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. And I don't know what to do. I keep waiting for her to reach out and get the help she needs, but according to my step-dad she's doing even worse than she was last year. She's left him and gone "home" to the state she grew up in. But you can't go home. Nothing is the same anymore. And she's losing friends. I guess she needs some prayers too come to think of it.

I know that I don't usually reveal so much in my blogging but like I said, anything to do with my mother instigates anxiety right now. So I'm writing it out and hoping for prayers for my step-dad and inspiration or maybe just the ability to breathe when it comes to my mother.

“After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided: There’s no such thing as a grown-up. We move out, we move away from our families. But the basic insecurities, the fears and all the old wounds just grow up with us. Just when you think life has forced you to truly become an adult, your mother says something like that. We get bigger, taller, older. But, for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids, running around the playground, trying desperately to fit in.”

—	Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

I had no idea....

"I had no idea that the night would take so damn long..."

So, my darling readers, how do you figure out how to live with somebody in your head that doesn't go away? Everything I have seen in our society tells me that they should eventually go away, but they haven't yet. Years have passed and they are still there, still inside of me.....my heart, my mind. How do you deal with that?

I started my book. I'm so proud of the fact that I have a working title, characters that are named, and a scenario. It's coming together and some times I feel like I'm pushing myself pretty hard because my goal is to have this damn book written by the end of the year. I have a story to tell and it's time to figure out how to write it. But the problem lately is that I seem to be spending a lot of time inside of song lyrics. I almost wish I could write music instead of ....well, whatever it is that I'm writing sometimes. I'm great with poetry, which I guess is pretty close to music but I'm missing the ability to create rhythm.

But so much of what's in my head, so much of what's in my soul, exists in lyrics.....
"But in another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world..."

"And my mates are all there trying to calm me down, Cause I'm shouting your name all over town...."

" Light up, light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice..."

And we won't even get into all the other noise that's in there....a lot of Skrillex, E Nomine. It depends on the day, but there's always a song playing in my head. My own personal soundtrack? How awesome would it be if I could figure out how to broadcast all the music inside of me? But if you know me at all, it would almost be like walking around naked. Everything that I am would be exposed. Maybe that's too much.

I've been writing a blog in my head for a week but it keeps changing, which is why this one is probably bouncing all over the place. But the idea I wanted to regurgitate into my keyboard was pondering the idea of living with somebody in my head that is still there after a lot of time. Whether I want them or not, there they are. Sometimes in the back, in the dark. Quiet. Sometimes they make a lot of noise and I feel like if I close my eyes I can almost touch them.

Do you ever really lose somebody, even if they walk out of your life?