Called Out

It's incredibly difficult to be true to oneself in American culture. I just had an in depth discussion last night with my oldest about being true to yourself in spite of what anyone else (especially someone who does not matter to you) thinks of you.

I did the social facade thing. Years ago when I lived in military housing and I tried to keep up with all the social games and frickin be a Stepford Wife. My house was immaculate, should someone drop by unannounced. My baby girl was dressed and her hair was done. I killed myself trying to be "THE" wife and mother. I pushed myself thinking that if I were harder on myself, demanded more from myself, than anyone else possibly could then I could 1. reach a place that no one could demand something from me because I had beaten them to the punch and 2. find a place that no one could hurt me in. I was wrong.

I survived the ensuing insanity of that thought process and when everyone I knew turned on me for hitting the wall and not being able to be the facade anymore, I quit caring what everybody else thought. I quit driving myself crazy.

Almost. My mother was still in my head. So I went back to school. And I pushed myself. Like throw-your-algebra-book-across-the-house push yourself. What? Like none of you ever threw your college algebra book across the room? No? Just me then? Oh well.

Anyway.....

I pushed hard through school. getting my Associates in 20 months with a 3.9 g.p.a. And you know what? It wasn't enough. And I learned that those that would have something to say about you will find something no matter what you do. No. Matter. What. You. Do.

So I reached a new level of not caring what other people thought.

So my new philosophy is: Is this going to matter tomorrow? In a year? In five years? Are these people still going to be in my life, judging me and refusing to accept me? NO. Because if they can't love you when you're on your knees, they're not going to love you when you're on top of the mountain.

Haters gonna hate, potaters gonna potate. No, that's not right.

I'm gonna be who I am no matter what anybody else does to me, what they say or what they do is not going to change who I am.

To thy own self be true. Yep.