Bubby

T minus 3 days until I get in the car and drive to Chicago to see my only son graduate from boot camp. He's almost 19 years old and wow! It has been a ride.

All I've ever wanted to do is raise a good man. I didn't have a brother, or a Dad, or even a Grandpa as a positive male role model when I was growing up. I didn't have any male role models. They say a girl's first love is her Dad but my Father bailed on me when I was 6. My mother re-married, but out of her husbands, 2 are now dead and 2 are MIA. To be fair, one never had a chance. He was the one I told "you're not my dad and I don't have to listen to you". So when he and my Mom split up it wasn't any great loss in my life. The one guy that stuck around and made me realize what it felt like to have a Dad died last year.

D at 5 months old

D was "Grampa's boy". Grampa was the only one that could soothe my son when he would scream for hours with colic. I had my kids young so they have never had the ideal life (but to be honest, who does?). I had my son and all I ever wanted for him was to grow up to be a good man.

D at 18 months old

I was a young mom and we had some bumpy times, and once in a while it would end up being me and Bubby looking at each other like "now what??". As the years went by and I learned more about how to be a better mom, I did better for my kids. And truthfully, with each subsequent child I learned more and did better. Because with the first one you sterilize anything and everything that might come within 50 feet of the kid. With the second one, you rinse it off if it hits the ground, and by the third one...eh, you figure they'll be all right pretty much in spite of what you do. So I did a little better with my son than with his older sister, but not quite as well as I did with his baby sister.

D at 6 years

I didn't have the kind of little boy that went running through the house, shooting bad guys and tracking mud. He wasn't the typical sports/cars kind of noisy little boy. He didn't build forts in his room, but he did build "boogie traps". He was quieter and preferred to play with his cars and and build stuff with Lego's. As he got older, it was books and robots and building electronics circuits.

D and I had some bumpy years. Tough years. "I emptied out his room" years. I kept telling myself that all I wanted was to raise a good man. There were times I might have thrown up my hands and thought "UGH how is this possible??".

But we made it. He's amazing. And I'm not just saying that because he's my only son and I'm his Mom and I have some kind of bias or something.

He's grown up to be a smart, sweet, funny guy. He can make me laugh until I have tears rolling down my face, especially when he's "reviewing" a movie.  He's a good man. He believes in honor and courage. He faces things that scare him and does them anyway. He's kind and believes in chivalry. He believes in protecting those he loves. He's amazing at math and I'm proud to see my little science geek having grown up into a man that uses all those things in his new career as an Electronics Tech in submarines.

graduating!

Nineteen years ago I was living in Huntsville, Alabama and I had just turned 20. I was in my last trimester and I had no idea how much my life was about to change. My only son has now grown up. We made it through some tough years and I have watched him turn into a smart, honorable man that I couldn't be more proud of.

This week I'll be watching him graduate into another phase of his life. He's now a United States Sailor. The next time I see my boy, he will be in uniform.

How the years fly by!

/rant

Our country has never been more divided. And Lord knows we are divided about everything! Gun control, abortion, death penalty, health care, religion, our military....you name it, there's a huge divide on where people stand. The hidden truth is that really only 10% of any given population has a very right or left wing approach to the issue at hand or an extreme opinion. The other 80% typically find themselves some where in the middle of the whole thing.

Most of the time, I am in that 80%. I try very hard to understand both sides of an issue and I understand that on the really big issues, there is never an easy or a "right" answer. I may lean a little left or a little right on a specific issue, but for the most part I'm the 80%, some where in the middle. Trying to understand the points and the passions of each sides argument and apply the critical thinking I learned in college.

But one of the very few things that really set me off on a tear is the debate on the flu vaccine. That is one issue that I feel very strongly about and I find myself unable to understand the people that are on the diametrically opposite side of this thing.

I feel that Americans respond most strongly when their opinions are born of fear. We, as a country, are terrified of the big bad buggity germs that are gonna get us so we run out as quick as we can and demand the flu shot every year. But you know what? The rhetoric that the drug companies and the media feeds us about the flu shot is not true! Running out (dragging all your kids in tow) and lining up for the flu shot is not going to protect you the way that you think it will.

To start with, most people don't realize that the "flu shot" is the CDC's best guess of which virus is going to take off in the Winter cold season. But these guesses are made 9 months in advance by killing migrating geese in CHINA! That's right, the CDC and the drug companies are guessing which 3 strains are going to spread based on info from pigs and migrating birds on the other side of the globe.

THEN, the "vaccines" are made up in the middle of Summer and injected into chicken eggs and grown. Finally, by September the vaccines are shipped and the American public is alerted.

We're having numbers like "60% effective" or "reduces chances by 90%" shoved down our throats but those aren't any more accurate than the guesses about which virus is going to infect you. The mass hysteria of the H1N1 virus in 2009 was because they guessed wrong! The CDC guessed wrong and emergency batches of H1N1 had to created in half the time it normally takes to manufacture a vaccine. Even then, the "pandemic" of the virus still only affected 7.7% of the population. There have also been reports that the "pandemic" was engineered to increase profits for the drug companies.

Because what you're forgetting, as the average American, is that the drug manufacturers are in it to make money. Consider this: if the same company manufactures your "flu vaccine" and you still end up getting the flu, then they have created medicine..."Tamiflu" or "FluMist"....designed to shorten your flu symptoms and make you feel better. Either way, they're still making a lotta money!

The hysteria of this week has sent me off on a tear. Just my 2 cents.
/end rant

Sources: (do some research folks!)
http://momsagainstmercury.org/doctors-question-flu-shot-statistics.htm
http://www.naturalnews.com/033998_influenza_vaccines_effectiveness.html
http://www.thelancet.com/journals/laninf/article/PIIS1473-3099%2811%2970295-X/abstract
http://vran.org/about-vaccines/specific-vaccines/influenza-vaccine-flu-shot/flu-vaccine-%E2%80%93-think-again/
http://www.infowars.com/new-study-finds-link-between-flu-shot-h1n1-pandemic/

New Year's Resolutions...again

It's that time of year again. Time to resolve to do things that make you a better person, or a healthy person, or whatever it is that you're spending your time chasing. Last year I resolved to take it easier, forgive more, love easier, and write my book. I got some of it right. The years always seem to go faster than you think you will, and crap inevitably comes up that gets in the way of what you're trying to accomplish for the year.

2012 did not turn out to be the year I thought it would. It started out as an innocuous sounding year. I thought for sure it was going to be a mellow year. No big life changes scheduled, it sounded like the first "easy" year I was going to have in probably five years. HA! Not so much.

2012 was mean. She lied to me on her way in. I'm pretty sure she's good friends with Tuesdays. I didn't have any major changes on the schedule but it would seem that a great many people I care about got smacked in the face with some pretty huge changes. We had 4 couples in my family split up, lots of drama, a death in the family, and so many friends moved all over the damn country. Friends and acquaintances died. Cancer claimed so many lives this year and seemed to be everywhere. We as a nation faced shocking tragedies and political insanity. It was definitely the kind of year we'll all be glad to show out the door next week.

So here are my resolutions...or really my goals for the year. I like to examine life as the new year approaches  rather than as a birthday encroaches. I'm at the age that I'm willfully ignoring the gain in age that a birthday signifies.

1. Continue my belief in my chosen faith. For me, that means embracing the teachings of Buddha and seeking enlightenment and finding a more peaceful existence within myself.

2. Take the time to read. You can't write if you don't even take the time to read. And for me writing is like breathing. I'm a much calmer and happier Xunnie when I write. Even if it's just journaling and scribbling out all the noise in my head.

3. Make sure I tell the people I love that I love them and make sure they know it because life is always shorter than you think and you never have as much time as you think you do.

4. Be brave, but say and do everything with love and kindness in my heart. Strive to be compassionate. There's a vast shortage of compassion in the world.

5. Be honest, even if that means showing a little vulnerability.

6. In the midst of the insanity of life, make sure I take the time to travel to see those I love. (see #3)

7. Find more patience. I know I can do that by feeding my soul's need for quiet moments and good tea.

8. Find the everyday opportunities for kindness and connection. Listen to people more. There are some great stories waiting to be told.

9. Be organized, but not so much that I'm driving myself crazy trying to stay organized. Sometimes life is just meat to be lived, not worried about.

10. Live in the moment. Remember that the very best moments in life never show up announced or with any fanfare. Remember details, those are the things that will make you pause and smile years later.

11. And basically just give a fuck about things. Care. Engage. It will be worth it.

12. And maybe, hopefully, in the middle of the rest of living my life, find time to write the damn book.

These are the things I'm striving for as another year is upon us. What are your goals?

'Twas The Night After Christmas

Twas the night after Christmas
and all through the house
were boxes and wrappings
and bows strewn about.

The loot of the morning
had been all squirreled away.
The kitties had many
new toys with which to play.

My child tuckered out
and finally off to bed
with visions of DSs and
new clothes in her head.

And Papa in new jammies
and I with my new book
finally sat down
and had a good look.

The papers were crumpled
as you walked down the hall.
The boxes were stacked
along the back wall.

The food was all covered
and put away in the fridge.
Even after everyone poked in
and grabbed just a smidge.

Tomorrow would mean
cleaning up all the mess
but I simply sat right now
and smiled in my night dress.

How blessed we are!
How lucky, I think
surveying the mess
as I finish my drink.

Then off, up the stairs
to a good night's sleep.
It'll keep, I think
tomorrow I'll tackle the heap.

But for now, as I drift off
and start to dream
I'm grateful for so much
more than it might seem.

My kids are all healthy
and my family loves each other.
It was definitely a tough year
for us all to weather.

But today in the middle of celebrating
we just laughed and played
and enjoyed winter vacation.

So I hope that your family
got lots of new toys
and in the middle of unwrapping
found the real joys.

~CC2012

Gut Check

My daughter asked me last weekend how I could just talk about my step-dad in fairly casual conversation. We were at a lunch with extended family and I was sharing with my step-mother-in-law because she had lost her husband (my hubs's father) to cancer a few years ago. So we understood each other.

The only thing I could tell her was that Grandpa is always with me. And I don't hide from my grief. I tend to dive right in and swim around in it. I learned that when I faced my first *real* loss, my baby girl Angelina. A lot of people hide from grief, avoid it, ignore it because it hurts and that's unpleasant. I am such an emotional person that I just can't do that. Whether it feels really bad or really good, I feel it. Completely.

That being said, last night I went to our annual Khaki Ball, celebrating the new generation of Navy Chiefs. Hubs and I danced and talked and did all the normal once-a-year socializing with all the chiefs things. Then the band decided to play a couple of slow songs. The first one was your typical big gathering selection for slow music. The band leader asked if the crowd wanted one more slow song and everybody hollered yes.

The first few notes started and I looked over at my husband. The singer got out the first line of the song and my eyes filled up with tears and my breath caught in my throat before I knew it. They were playing "What A Wonderful World" by Louie Armstrong and I all but fell apart before I realized what was happening. That was the Father-Daughter dance at my wedding. I danced with my Dad to that song the day I got married and it was always one of our things.

I thought I had healed a little from his loss but hearing that song last night evoked a reaction I hadn't seen in myself since July. I miss him so much. I remember sitting there last night in the midst of trying to collect myself and not make a scene and thinking "He's gone. He'll never be at a formal event again. He'll never see any of this again".

So I guess it just goes to show that just when you think you're moving on, someone that really meant a lot to you is never really gone. Ron will always be with me. And maybe someday I will be able to hear that song without tearing up.

A New Reality

I got a text from my mother today (because unfortunately we haven't progressed past emails and texts) letting me know that my (step) Dad's house and everything else had been sold and she was finished handling the last of his affairs. It took my breath away to realize that everything that was his, everything he had and had worked for was now gone.

He worked at Pearl Harbor for forty  (40!!) years and didn't get the chance to experience retirement because he died just a year and a half after retiring. The house that he bought 30+ years ago for his family, his kids, now belongs to someone else. His car, his clothes, furniture...all gone. It's just stuff, but how fragile is life when it can all be reduced to a few belongings and sold off? He worked his whole life in pursuit of a good retirement check and a house to pass on to his kids. But it didn't work out that way. It's all been sold and he died before he could collect all those retirement checks.

It's all gone. Everything has been sold and my mother is leaving Hawaii. Theoretically I don't have anything left to go back to Hawaii to see any more. The only left there is Ron's grave site. Some day I may go see that but right now it's hard to imagine.

I was the girl that grew up without a dad, but Ron changed all that. He made such a big difference in my life. But when you lose somebody and the shock of they're GONE really hits you, you keep wondering if you said I love you enough, thank you for making a difference in my life enough. You keep wondering if they know they mattered to you. You hope they did. You hope you said it enough.

I miss him so much. This was just one more reminder that he is really and truly and completely gone. I wish I had the faith to know that he's gone to Heaven or Utopia or wherever it is that we ascend to. I hope he's with my baby girl that I lost 11 years ago. I hope he is somewhere better and that he is pain free and happy.

It's just stuff but I have so many memories in that house. Holidays. Birthdays. Moments of growing up and becoming pieces of the woman I am now. I went "home" to that house when my first marriage fell apart. My son was potty trained in that house. I survived my first surgery and one of the biggest health scares I've ever had in that house. And thanks in great part to Ron's guidance and love. Part of my life was in that house and now somebody else is making a life there.

I hope they make memories there and live a life worth remembering too.

I haven't been blogging very much and a good deal of this year's writings have been about everything else except life with Fibro, but this is all part of "life with fibro" too. And I will get back to all that. But right now, I am learning to live in a new reality without someone I love very much. I miss my Dad.

I Believe

I believe in love. And in hope. I believe in fairy tales. And I believe that music has the power to bring you to the best places and heal you.

 

2012 was supposed to be a pretty quiet year. I wasn't moving. Or buying a house, selling a house,or renting a house. No getting married, or divorced, or having a baby. For the first time in a long time we didn't have any major changes in the works when the new year hit. 2012 was going to be the year that I got my second kid graduated and just settled in, concentrated on raising the youngest, and maybe (hopefully) writing a book.

We're in the 8th month of the year and it's been a pretty crazy year. *I* didn't have any major life changes planned for the year. *BUT* I am watching so many people in my life have their year of major changes. Lots of people getting married, a few getting divorced, a couple of people having a baby, and two of my friends have just moved across the country this summer.

My son graduated high school, joined the Navy, and broke his collar bone; all inside of 6 weeks. My youngest had tonsillitis so bad I wondered if she was going to have to have her tonsils out (we're just now at the part where I know she won't have surgery and she's gonna get better). And that was a big deal because she's never even been sick.  And my oldest moved back home and has been working on getting her feet back under her after learning a very difficult and painful lesson as she grows up.

And we lost my (Step)Dad. My kids lost their Grampa. Yet another part of my life was affected by Cancer. As I make my way through the grieving process I'm finding that Cancer scares me a lot more than it used to now. P and I have both lost parents to it now. And we lost his Grandma 11 years ago to it.

So, yeah, it hasn't been the quiet year I thought it was going to be when I toasted the ball dropping with root beer floats at midnight. It's been a tough year on me. I've lost 15 pounds in the last 3 months or so from everything happening all at once. And I'm hoping that the craziest part is over now as we move into the end of Summer and into the Fall season.

I still have some things on the table. My son leaves for boot camp in November and we're still working on convincing my husband's command not to send him to Afghanistan this Fall. By the end of the year my older two might both be out making their way in a new career and creating their own lives.

But in spite of the year we've all had I still believe. I believe that love makes all the difference. I believe in hope and trust and sometimes just a little bit of pixie dust. I still believe in fairy tales.